|
Custom design and manufacture of
state-of-the-art battery chargers, UPS, and power supplies for OEMs in a
hurry!
Heritage
BOB: I come from captains of industry.
My dad was CEO of a Fortune 500 company.
TIM: That's nothing. My dad was a
famous conductor.
BOB: I didn't realize your family was so musical.
TIM: We're not. Dad did his conducting in the electric chair.
Contributed by Adam Robinson © Copyright 2017
Q&A
Police: Young man, we know you are a spy,
so confess.
Tourist: I'm not a spy, just a computer programmer on
vacation.
Police: If you are a programmer prove it. Write me out an e-mail
client. I'll be back in half an hour.
The programmer cries out in dispair
"What, without coffee?"
Police: Let him go, he's telling the
truth.
© Copyright 2017 Mark W.
Lund
Directions
Engineering
Intern: How I get to the marketing department?
Engineer: Easy, go west until
you can smell it and then turn north until you step in it.
Marketing
Intern: How do I get tothe Engineering Department?
Marketing supervisor:
Walk east until you get lost and then yell "Help me Obi-wan Kenobi." They'll
find you.
© Copyright 2015-2016 Mark W.
Lund
Recruit
HR manager:
"What about that latest Engineering intern?"
CTO : "He is a fugitive
from the bell curve."
© Copyright 2015 Mark W.
Lund
Spelt
Ad on Craiglist:
Going out of business sale, large granite tombstones. Several available. Pefect
gift for anyone named Snith, Andersox, Kely, Jensan, or Ste wart.
© Copyright 2015 Mark W. Lund
Costelloese
Customer: Do you have any two-watt,
4-volt bulbs?
Sales Rep: For what?
Customer: No, two.
Sales Rep:
Two what?
Customer: Yes.
Sales Rep: No.
Contributed ty Paul
Kinzelman
Saves gas
New invention. A
hybrid surgical robot. You start its engine and it operates on
batteries.
© Copyright 2014 Mark W.
Lund
Q: Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
A: For the
mass
© Copyright 2014 Mark W. Lund
Helping out
We had our engineers work in HR for a
week to encourage better teamwork. They immediately sent out an employment ad
that read "Supermodels wanted, (must be able to solder.)."
© Copyright 2014 Michael Wolf
Connected
Everything in product development these
days is about connectivity. One company just came out with a new silent smoke
alarm. When it detects smoke it sends you a text, tweets your friends, and
posts a picture of the fire on facebook.
©
Copyright 2014 Mark W. Lund
Flu
A
new disease is hitting the US, the Chinese Flu. The biggest symptom is that you
wake up in the morning with the urge to manufacture a smart phone.
© Copyright 2014 Mark W. Lund
Spoiled
Two electrical engineers met, fell in
love and were marrried. They loved and encouraged their children, and always
gave them the most expensive of gifts. One day, when their oldest was
approaching his 10th birthday his mother asked "What would you like for your
birthday?"
He responded, "Anything but another oscilliscope."
© Copyright 2014 Mark W. Lund
Schedule
Chief engineer: You told me that you
would finish the layout in three days.
Engineer: Sure, but not
threeconsecutive days!
© Copyright 2013 Mark
W. Lund
Progress in
programming
A lot of progress has been made in the area of
getting computers to write code. Our latest system is so advanced that when it
runs into a road block it blames the previous computer.
© Copyright 2013 Mark W. Lund
Resist if you can
"Did you hear about the
company that sells elastomeric insulators? Their motto is 'Resistance is
butyl'".
Contributed by Cory Agnew
Politics
After suffering weak gain at the poles,
the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their
base
Contributed by Cory Agnew
Rationalization
New engineer: "How
do you estimate how long a project will take?"
Seasoned engineer: "I add up
the time required for each task, then multiply the sum by pi."
New engineer:
"Why pi?"
Seasoned engineer: "It ensures that all my budgets are
irrational."
© Copyright 2011 Mark W.
Lund
Wedding
Two Antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception
was outstanding.
Contributed by Chris
Wantuck
Lost
Two atoms are walking down the street, and one says to the
other, "Wait, wait, we have to go back. I've lost an electron somewhere."
The second atom says, "Really? Are you sure?"
To which the first
atom replies, "Yes. I'm positive."
Heard on NPR and
contributed by Peter MacLean Kunhardt
Nothing but trouble
The engineer comes in
to talk to his chief engineer. "I'm having trouble with that power supply
circuit you put me to work on."
"OK, let's talk about it, said his boss. Is
it oscillating?
"No," said the engineer, it is stable."
"How is the
efficiency?"
"About 87%"
"Is there ringing on the gate?"
"Nothing
above normal."
"What about noise and ripple?"
"They are well within
spec."
"Then what's the problem?"
"The darn thing's on
fire!"
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2008
Math
Q: How many
mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He gives the
assignment to six blond Zen-Buddhist graduate students from California, thereby
reducing the problem to a finite series of earlier jokes.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2008
Negotiations
5
year old: "Mom, can I sleep with jumper cables under my pillow?"
Mom:
"OK, but you have to promise not to start anything."
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2008
Containment
Define
"Flashlight"
"A containment vessel for leaking batteries."
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2008
Tour de force
Ed. note: All the puns that are
fit to print in one story. Resist trying to read it to your co-workers, serious
bodily harm could result.
Reward Offered:
A reward of four
bits is offered for data leading to the lightning arrest
of this desperate criminal: Hop-a-long Capacity.
This
unrectified criminal dissipated (discharged himself) from
a Western prism where he was held in soliton confinement in a
primary cell, clamped in ions awaiting the quartz
decision between the gauss chamber or death by lethal induction.
He tunneled through the schottky barrier and
punched-through an insulated gate, thus avoiding the
mesa's guard ring. Waving Debye, he then beta swift
retreat in a stolon standard model alpha. His last meal was to
have been erg and pawn curie .
He was charged with
the interference, impedance and induction of an 18 turn
air-core bobbin, n-sine Millie Henry who was found choked,
gapped and robbed of valuable joules, which really erged her
and caused her brother Mike O. Henry to re-coil concerned that
she had lost phase "That WIMP, I'll barium" he vowed.
Though still fit for continuous duty the attendants opted to
carrier away on a liter (her CO2 had centiliter).
She exhibited reluctance to being shunted away like an invalid,
crying "Mind your own bismuth, I'm not dyne" Though later she
emitted "It really Hertz." After Huygen her tight,
Capacity had even stooped to peltier with
rocks.
Hop-a-long, who said he couldn't resistor, is armed with
a carbon rod heater, has high mobility and is a potential
killer. He wanted Abelian to set her free.
The cholesteric
Capacity is also charged with arsenide, and
driving a dc motor open-loop over a Wheatstone bridge
and refusing to let a band-pass, crushing their mascot woofer
beneath a rolling average. Use cation if encountered, he has the
capacitance to offer series resistance. If beta captured
tie with a phase lock loop, conduct him to the nearest
secondary cell and telluride to transmitter wire to the
police.
The detectorSherlock Ohms and the localized
force, officers Newton and Slug, were catalyzed by the
gravity of his crimes and spent the night probing for him in a
magnetic field, where he had gone to earth near the
symmetry. They report nothing positive and believe he has
returned ohm via an unintended ground loop path. They are
anxious to run him to ground so he can be passivated and
recharged with nu crimes. Please contact them with
feedback no matter watt-hour, especially if you hear
shot noise.
A native of PN Junction, Hop-a-long will often
on a faraday ride a cyclotron (aCarnot cycle) or
rho an arc with his short girl friend Eddie Current
who plays a harmonic. He drives with a heavy photon the
accelerator, making him a super collider. He may
flyback to his ohm town where he sometimes Gibbs free
energy in the Lorentz district.
© Mark
W. Lund, 2008-2017, extensively expanded from an earlier story that has been
much reproduced, but whose author remains unknown to us.
Gift Ideas
First
he gave his mother-in-law an electric toothbrush.
Then he gave her an
electric blanket.
Then he gave her an electric carving knife.
He's
working his way up to a chair.
© Copyright Mark W.
Lund 2008
More Gift
Ideas
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his
birthday?
Shorts.
This joke should be in the public domain if it
isn't.
EuroIdiot
Click on the thumbnail to see the full picture. A few things to notice
is that they are using European plugs, so the voltage is 240VAC, and don't
forget to notice the flip-flops used as a flotation device.
I am sure that this picture was staged, so no
Italians were actually in danger of electrocution.
Bootlick
Q: What is
the most sycophantic resistor?
A: 110 ohms
© Copyright Al Sledge 2007
Lab Safety
Have you heard about the engineer
who got his finger stuck in the e-prom burner? He inadvertently programmed
himself.
He didn't notice any difference until he got to the grocery
store and started shifting registers.
©
Copyright Mark W. Lund 2006
It Happens
The red wire said to the black
wire "Why are you so sad?"
The black wire replied "I've been
grounded."
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2006
Growing up
Little motor: "Grandpa, why do you have 4 wires and I only have two?"
Big motor: "That's just a phase that's going through you."
© Kevin D. Wilkerson 2005, used with permission
Photon relations
One
photon to another: I am sick and tired of your interference.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 1998
Luck
A man was
complaining about his life to his clergyman.
"I was a hard-working
clerk making $30,000 per year. I was frugal, living carefully, saving my money,
and I was happy and content.
Then one day I fell in with some shady
characters and I got suckered into a high-stakes poker game. That was my ruin.
Now I am anxious, stressed, and miserable."
His friend says "So you
fell into temptation and lost all your savings?"
"No, I won, and like a
fool I bought this lousy internet company."
©
Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005
Lesson
As Entrepreneurs we tend to want to
teach our children the lessons that we have learned. Sometimes this is
confusing to them. One entrepreneur sat his four year old son down and said
"It's time for your lesson." What's two plus two?
The little boy said
"Two plus two is Six."
"No, son," his father said, two plus two is not
six. "Two plus two is four."
"I'm sorry, father," said the little boy. "I
thought we were negotiating."
© Copyright Mark W.
Lund 2005
Teamwork
An engineering manager was once
asked his definition of "Teamwork."
He said "Teamwork is where
everyone in the department is doing what I tell them without
whining.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005
Invention
If necessity
is the mother of invention, why are there so many unnecessary
inventions?
This joke is in the public domain
This one is too cute (and topical) to pass up. A story
at The Onion
I Enjoy Being a Battery
By a Nine-Volt Battery
Enjoy being battery! Enjoy providing
power for! Nine volts power! Last very long! Keep providing power until die!
Give power and power and more power until cannot give power anymore! Enjoy very
much giving power!
For the complete story click
here
Salt
There was the engineer that was putting sea water in his batteries
without the boss knowing. He was arrested for salt-in-battery, but even
though the charge wouldn't hold up, he is sitting in his cell
serving two current sentences.
Contributed by
Doug Elliot, used with permission
Bats
Scientists have found a way to inject
Bat genes into students. They ended up with engineers who like to be
kept in the dark!
© Copyright Mark W. Lund
2005
Pass/Fail
A new technician was put to work on the production line test
station. "Just plug in the connector and read the voltage. If the voltage reads
between 3 and 4 volts it passes. If not it fails, and you put it in the "fail"
bin."
After his first shift he told his supervisor "I quit."
"What is the matter?" asked the supervisor, "the work can't be that
hard."
"Oh, it isn't the work, that's easy. I'm going crazy with making
all those decisions!"
Alternate punch line: "If I'm going to be a
decision maker I want more money."
© Copyright Mark
W. Lund 2005
Schedule
One manager was bragging to another. "I
have a great engineer working for me. Last week I gave him a project and he
stayed up for six straight days, completed the circuit board design, finished
the bill of materials and wrote a thousand lines of firmware. The completed
projected was on my desk when I got to work on Monday morning."
His
friend asked "So how far ahead of schedule was he?"
The manager said,
"Ahead of schedule? Who ever heard of an engineer doing that?"
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005
Impressions
Why did the
battery-powered branding iron fail in the marketplace?
The calves
weren't impressed by it.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund
2005
Sweet
What is cylindrical, sweet, brown, and has 10,000 ohms?
A
chocolate-covered resistor.
© Copyright Mark W.
Lund 2005
Capital
Equipment
An engineer walks into his boss's office and says
"I want enough money to buy a new HP System Analyzer."
His boss says
"Why do you need a System Analyzer?"
The engineer says "I don't, I just want
that much money."
© Copyright Mark W. Lund
2005
Book
I gave my nephew a book for his birthday. He went crazy trying to find
where to put the batteries.
This joke is in the public
domain
Repair
A lady took her CD player into the repairman. "I am afraid you
have a short circuit," he told her.
She said "I don't care how much it
costs, lengthen it."
This joke is in the public
domain
Job
Requirements
To survive as a power supply designer you need
just two things--a solid technical foundation and CPR.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005
Car battery
I took my car to
my mechanic for a checkup. He told me that my battery needs a new
car.
This joke is in the public domain
Constructive Criticism
An engineer gets a call from his patent lawyer. "Good news," he says.
"RCA just licensed your invention and left a check for a million dollars. Come
over and sign the deal and pick up the check."
About two hours later
the engineer finally shows up at the lawyer's office.
"What kept you?"
said the attorney. "On the way out I decided to stop by the Chief Engineer's
office and tell him what I thought of his latest circuit."
This joke is in the public domain
Shuttle Delay
The space
shuttle pilot and co-pilot are sitting atop the rocket waiting for launch. Over
the headphones they hear announced a ten minute delay. "Oh, no," said the
pilot.
The co-pilot said "No big deal, this happens all the time."
The pilot said, "No, look at the monitor, they're bringing in jumper
cables."
© Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005
Not Perfect
A solar panel installer was up on a roof, when out of the sky a
bolt of lightning strikes the roof, blowing him off the roof, across the
street, and through the neighbor's picture window.
He gets off the
floor, turns to the startled family and says "That's the one thing I hate about
this job."
This joke is in the public
domain
Tags attached to
laboratory equipment in the hope that it will prevent it from "walking off."
Danger: High Impedance
Warning: This device contains pure
matter, which is known by the State of California to cause warpage of space and
time.
Warning: Operate only while wearing a lead apron.
Notice:
You are free to borrow this spectrum analyzer as long as you return it within
24 hours. And please let me know if you start itching or have trouble focusing
your eyes while in the 100 MHz to 2 GHz ranges.
©
Copyright Mark W. Lund 2005
Fireflies
Scientists have
developed a firefly that is 10,000 times brighter than a wild firefly. The only
problem is that the firefly is a little disgruntled at being strapped to a five
pound battery.
© Copyright Mark W. Lund
2005
Lyrics to "Who let the
Smoke Out."
Who let the smoke out
(whoo, whoo, whoo,
whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo,
whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who
let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo,
whoo)
When the circuit was made, the product was sumpin' (Hey, Yippie,
Yi, Yo)
And everybody proud of it all (Hah, ho, Yippie Yi Yo)
I tell the
fellas "start the thing pumpin" (Yippie Yi Yo)
And the plug goes in to the
wall
The smoke broke show brown
Who let the smoke out (whoo,
whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let
the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo,
whoo, whoo)
I see a little smoke puff–makin' some toast
Lights
really dim in the town
Get blame off me, shame off me
Rollout is gon'
take a bit longer
© Copyright Mark W. Lund
2005 |
